Conversation over the years

I want to write about you, a lot. But I only write when I'm really happy. Or really sad. And I don't want to make my depiction of you solely on those two emotions. So maybe I'll write about you in snippets - of our talk. I guess it is more meaningful that way, because life is full of snippets of conversations, most forgotten, couple linger in a lifetime. Yours linger a lot in my mind. You take a lot of my mind.

--

"I love you."

Words that you often say to me. Not once I think it is a lie. I hope it is never a lie.

--

"Until when you want to be with me?"

Your favorite sentence. I never know the meaning behind it. I do not understand why do you ask. Realistically, we do not know. It got me thinking a lot. I want to ask you back "why are you asking me this?" but I am scared. I don't want to know the answer.

"I don't say forever because it feels too unrealistic, too wishful."

This is what you said, when I asked why you never say forever and say as long as possible instead. You are always realistic and practical. I sometimes wish you are more romantic, but it doesn't really bother me that you aren't. Romantics have their downside anyway - too possessive, too manipulative. I have decided that I'll take a Realist over a Romantic.

--

"It doesn't matter. I'm with you, that's what matters."

Another go-to sentence from you whenever we have to decide to go on places. I'd like to think it is a sweet gesture. 

--

"I don't really explore places. I went to many new places with you, because of you."

The definition of a true home-body. Not that I am complaining. I like that you explore places with me. If places have traces, there are many places that have ours. That scares me sometimes. Too many traces of our laughter in places we went. I cannot bring myself to think what will happen if we break up. So many places have our memories. How can I erase them all? It scares me (a lot). Ramen shops. MRT (our night rides for our after-office dates). Blok M (particular memory that I adore is the one afternoon spent on riding scooters all the way from blok M to GBK). Lapangan Banteng, Munas, Ice Skate Rink at MTA, Waterbom, Ikea, Wing Heng, Ancol, Seaworld, Pantai PIK (we only went once but still). Places where we kissed (too many to remember. I like the one in the park... that small park. I also like the one in your room on your birthday - the first time I saw your bedroom). So many memories. So many traces of your smile. I don't want to forget. 

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"I don't really like to talk, so I think I fit best with talkative ones, like you. So please keep talking."

Yesterday you said this. I agreed wholeheartedly. You are not much of a talker for as long as I know you. You like to listen. I like to talk (I hate when somebody talks a lot). I think we are a good fit. I just hope that I dont bore you with my talk.

--

"Okay, 30 more minutes."

You said it every time I asked you to stay a bit longer. I want you to always stay longer. And you always do (okay, most of the time. The times you decline is when you already said these for the third time).

--

Other sentences seems too blurry to remember, to be honest. I just remember your eyes, your gestures, your hugs, your laughter (used to be hard to get, now it is easier). You don't really talk a lot about work (you said it tires you just thinking of it so I don't push). You talk a lot about your niece, which is really cute (I think you will be a loving father). You stutters when you lie, so I know when you do (which you don't often do. Thank god). You talk cute with me most of the time, but I have to admit that it really makes me crazy when you use your deep voice (Don't get me wrong. I like them both. I just find it extremely hot when you sound raspy). Rathen than words, you are a man of gesture. You like to kiss my forehead. Touch my cheek. You often rub your fingers together nonchalantly (maybe it's ingrained in your brain like that) but it's not good for you so I usually take your hand into mine so that you stop doing that. You put your hands on my thigh a lot (and I love it). You always know when I'm mad (and you know exactly how to make me not mad again). You can be playful, you can be polite. Your hugs are always warm and homey. Your kisses are often too quick, but you never say no to another one. Your hands are always reaching out for mine. Words are often blurry, but your touch are not. Yours are forever imprinted in my mind.

As for words?

I'll keep note so that I can remember.