Life update - End of Year

I lost a lot of motivation this year.

I hate it.

I hate that I have no motivation to work, to study, to live decently.

I am anxious about many things - money, life, future.

My life now is pretty okay at glance I guess, I got promoted, my new business opened.

I got my toefl score it wasn't good but I can use it to apply to a lot of school.

I haven't studied shit about GMAT in two months. I got too busy working, and when I wasn't working I am dead tired. I aimed a crazy score yet I haven't done shit.

I lost 8 kgs this year, but I feel like shit. I still feel fat. My hair fell out a lot, even though I already cut it to my shortest length in years. I feel ugly. I know I am not. But I know I am far from perfect. And I feel bitter every time I remember it.

I feel bad every time I post on my first account. It feels as if I am not productive enough. I feel bad about having fun, for god's sake. I feel so terrible I deactivated my account. 

Branded bags and shoes used to make me giddy, and I used to want a lot of clothes, make up, skincare. But now that I have more money than when I was only a student, I do not want to spend anything. I feel I haven't got enough money. I feel like I have to prepare a lot of money so I will be comfortable in my late 20s, early 30s. Branded things nauseate me. Logos seems so tacky in my eyes somehow. I want to buy things and yet I don't want to buy things since I feel it is too outrageous. I make side money from trading now, so I actually make more money. It's not a lot but it's okay i guess for my age. But even though I have more money I do not feel like spending it at all. But I feel like shit for restricting myself at the same time. But I have a saving goal by end of 2021 so.... I'll just keep it in my mind.

Also, now that I trade I am so anxious and so jealous of people who are able to gain so much. I keep wondering where I went wrong. I know I still make okay money (+20% in a year is my target) but I keep wondering what should I do to gain more... more...

Why the fuck I am so unhappy for?

I'm so depressed but I don't know why.

I feel like my head is splitting but I don't understand how to cure it.

P.S note how many times I said okay? that's when I realize that I really feel like in utter shit