Drunken thought (not that I actually am)

In all honesty, it is by far the worst decision I've ever made. I shouldn't have done it in the first place, shouldn't have thought its alright in the second place. I couldn't think straight, I shouldn't be allowed to say anything. Probably slurred a word or two ; should have known I wasn't in the right state to do things.

 It does make me wonder though, it really does. Every ticking- tock in my watch I spent thinking about the what ifs; the possibilities that aren't possible anymore. Every night I replay all the scenes and I wonder what went wrong; I wonder why I went wrong. Should I get the chance to redo all the stuffs I did, would I do it better? Would I make things worse? Is there any better scenario than the life as it is?

Only god knows why He let me do things I done. Should I beg for mercy? There is rules written but I know I try to bent and bent and bent all the rules until it suits me. I no longer do things accordingly - I know that for a fact. So should I still beg for mercy?

I am still lost. Until god knows when.