To men who crossed my path

Hi. I see you guys have moved on. You guys know who you are. It's been years, and news about you doesn't come first hand, but rather through friends who still followed you. Men who crossed my path, I somehow always managed to get blocked/unfollowed in the end. It's fine, though. Out of sight, out of mind. Honestly, guys, I don't remember you often. I remember you when someone tagged you in an Instagram story or post (which is a rarity... you guys are lone wolves!). 

 I guess it's not really fair to put you guys in the same group. If my memories are correct, you guys have mostly different but one same personality: you all are cocky. I guess I like the cockiness, the confidence. You all exude arrogance on varied levels. But other than that - you guys are quite different.

Since it is unfair to put you in the same group, I'll put aliases for you. 

 #1 - I am certain that I never liked you. Not even the slightest. You were the first boy who showed a serious interest in me. Yes, there were men (boys?) before you. But you were the first one who pursued me persistently, so I never forget about you! Even though I never liked you, I liked that you like me a lot, so I strung you along for months. In retrospect, I was really mean and should have never treated you like that. I was embarrassed because it was high school, and everyone knew you liked me. Everyone knew that I went on dates with you; it nauseated me. So even though I was lukewarm at first, when you escalated your affection (remember valentine's day? you gave me a doll! I was horrified but at the same time a bit thankful because you gave it to me in my home, not in front of everyone in school) I was terrified that I gave you too much hope. I was really embarrassed by your affection, so I just ghosted you. My reply took longer, and eventually, I never replied to you anymore. It must hurt you badly that I never gave you any explanation. You never asked, anyway. But I am always a bit sorry for my behavior. Now you are only one of many stories I watch on my Instagram. You finally have a long-term girlfriend, and I am happy for you! I met you again at my graduation because your current girlfriend also went to my faculty, funnily enough. I never felt anything for you, so it didn't feel like anything when we struck up a conversation. It was just like old schoolmates that crossed paths. The last news about you is that you went to ivy for your master. Well - you were always one of the smartest people in the school. I am glad in the end, it worked out fine for you. I really do. (and I'm sorry). 

 #2 - my first boyfriend. So yes, at some point, I did like you. Hell, I think I once thought I loved you. Whatever love was for a 17-year-old girl, it doesn't matter now. We dated less than a year (9, 10 months?) But it was quite memorable. You pained me a lot during our relationship. I thought I was happy with you, and I was wrong. Well- not completely wrong. I know there were days where everything was fine, and we were fine. Because when you love, you love a lot too. You were really affectionate, and you showered me with gifts (I donated most of them. Threw a couple. And burned a shit ton of photos just to feel something - I was crazy back then partly because you drove me mad and partly because I was just really a stupid kid tasting love for the first time). I guess the pain heightened because it was the first time I felt something in my life. I hate that you force me to do things I don't want. d. When I remember you, I feel like crying just because of how stupid I am back then. I told myself that I had forgiven you, that I have moved on. I did move on, I might forgive, but I never forget the things you did to me. Honestly, I still hate the fact that I was so helpless, so blindsided, and nothing can change this fact. And the fact that I had to keep this to myself because I did not want everyone to see me as broken. The only consolation for me is that you were miserable the last semester of university. Karma does work wonders. 

But yeah, it was all old news, and I force those hateful feelings away because it does me no good. When we fully burn our bridge that last semester of university, I feel like I can breathe again because I can just erase you away. You were always a looming presence due to our circumstances, but I was finally relieved from your ghost since I cut you from my friendship circle. No more snarky remarks or vile comments I had to endure just because we were in the same circle. No more hateful glances. No more feeling confused that you sometimes pretend that you did not hear me when I talked to the group - confused because you acted like I was the villain when in reality you were. No more of these feelings, and I have been so happy for these past three years because not once I have crossed paths with you again. I have heard snippets of your life, though, from my friends who followed you on IG. I heard you have proposed to your girlfriend. Good. I hope you treat her better than you did for me. I hope you finally grow into a better man who can manage a lasting friendship like adults (because man, no close friends were huge red flags that I purposely ignored. I hope you have friends now). I am glad we are just strangers. 

 #3 - Ah yes. Another smart, cocky man. Another man who was so eager to pursue me the whole office knew. Even different teams knew. That is how eager you were. A man who was so eager to pursue me, he completely threw off the fact that I already have a long-term boyfriend. Before I met you, I thought #2 was the worst. And now we have a contender in place. I guess the experience was more horrible with you because we were friends before. We had long talks when we worked overtime, and you always ridiculed me because I liked to watch kpop mvs during our night breaks. I thought it was fun banters, and that those talks were fun, and that I have another close work friend that I can count on. But no shit - it changed in one night. I was drunk off my ass, and I asked you to sit with me in the hotel lobby just to talk until I sobered up. Yeah, yeah. I guess this one was my fault. I thought it was just another night talk, but I guess it changed how you look at me because one week later, you told me that you like me. I always wondered where it went wrong, you know? Was I too friendly to you? Were there sparks you felt when we sat next to each other in the office? I was always thought that you liked me as a friend like I did. I told you I have a boyfriend. Wrong move because you still pestered me constantly. 

I never meant our friendship and your attention to escalate to anything. I just liked the attention, and I first thought what you had was a harmless crush, so I keep being friends. Maybe you were so deprived of relationships...of closeness... that I made you insane with my actions. And you made me insane too because when I told you to stop, you were going even more crazy. You texted me hundreds of chats. You called me late at night, and when I didn't pick up, you continued to harass me via chats. You told me we were discussing projects when you were actually moaning about how awful I am, how blind I am to choose my boyfriend over you, how my boyfriend is not good enough for me. You refused to let me go when you cornered me in the office; gripping my hand really tight, it left marks when I was trying to set free in fears if someone saw us. Remember how you tried to kiss me in the taxi, and I ducked, and you cornered me again until I cried and put my hands in front of my face? I saw red. I was honestly depressed and cried every day in the office's toilet because you constantly bombarded me with manipulating words. I am this close to blurting out to my coach and even resigning because every time I saw you, you were just saying hurtful words. The more I rejected you, the more you tried to pursue me. 

Remember the shit ton of expensive gifts you gave me? I kept rejecting your gifts, but you still persisted. I had no idea how to tell you to stop because I already did thousand of times, and you still would not listen. And finally. You were taking a long leave! I was finally free for a month, and I could smile again and enjoy the office again. I had bid you goodbye before you leave and it was easier to ignore you when you were not in the office every day. I was finally happy... and you were back. You finally did not harass me again, and I thank God for that. I was so afraid you would have more of your episodes, so I was glad that when you were back, you just ignored me. I know you despised me so much because I rejected you, and you were a man who didn't know the word no. But still, I was glad you were just background noise. And then COVID came, and we have wfh, and finally, you ceased to exist! For months I was content because you never talked to me again until we were involved in the same projects again. Yes, God is funny sometimes. I never had feelings for you, so I was just feeling dread when I knew we were in proximity again. But you managed to keep whatever your feeling about me intact, and you were still a bit hostile, but at a manageable level. It was nothing compared to the hell that was 2019. When you were about to resign, I guess whatever feelings you still had for me were burning again because you started your episodes yet AGAIN. But I told myself I could endure it and counted the day you finally resigned. And you finally did. And it was one of my happiest days. Now we still kept in minimum touch (I had to contact you out of the necessity of our old projects), but you are okay now. No more sappy messages. No more malicious words from your mouth. You sent me a goodbye chat, and albeit the content was still a bit gaslighting, I was just thankful that you finally closed your chapter on me. I am now free even though sometimes your cruel words still haunt me (yes, it still hurt remembering you called me a bitch, easy, shallow, stupid, evil, fake, and every other awful name is in the dictionary). You have moved on, from what I heard. Like #2, please, please treat this woman way better. Please love her easily. Please. I have forgiven you now, but please never do anything close to what you did again. It was a traumatizing experience, and I lived in true fears; I could never tell anyone the whole story. 

 So to men who crossed my path, #1, #2, #3, goodbye forever. I have found a man who loves me and that I love back so much that it made your presence like a speck of dust in my memories. #2 and #3, the trauma you instilled I might not be able to remove completely, but with him, I just don't care anymore, and most of the time, I forget how it felt. 

Typing this brings back bad memories, but I know now that these are just memories. It won't hurt anymore. I am writing to say goodbye. Goodbye and so long, men who crossed my path.