2000 days (part one)

It amazes me that even after 2000 days together, you can still make me speechless. You can still my heart beat so fast I can hear it buzzing. You can still make me blush from your corny one-liner. You can still make me think : How am I so lucky to have you with me?

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From the get-go, I know you're my type. Tall. Not skinny (I don't want to be seen as 1 and 0 walking together). You're handsome - I gushed to my best friend via line. We giggled and we moved on to another topic. It never occured to me that we can become anything, really. I mean, what are the odds we are going to cross path again? What are the odds you are attracted to ME? For 17 year old me, you were a cute guy from a nearby faculty that I happen to meet - a fun topic to inform my friend. Even though I'm a sucker for romance, this is real life! We are never going to be together. You were a cute guy, that was all. 

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I knew the probability of us being together is near zero, but I couldn't help but stalk your social media (whose presence is almost zero.. non existent really) on days when I had nothing to do. We followed each other in Path but your page is a near empty one. I stalked you till the end of your page, but there was no interesting information. I went to your instagram page, and still zilch. No photo. No tagged photo either. There really is not any information available about you. I don't think we follow each other on instagram, and soon when my real life hits I started to forget about you.. little by little. You were just a name and a face in my memory.

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When we chatted for the first time it felt like a fever dream. It felt like the beginning of a fan fiction. I couldn't help but wonder, am I interesting for you? do you think I'm pretty? do you walk around chatting up girls like this? Thousand of questions ran through my head but eventually my final verdict was this : he is cute. he is LIKELY a fuck boy. But to hell with it, it's not like we're going somewhere serious. It's not like it's going to lead to anything. You are bored out of your mind, so just chat him back.

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When we met for the first time in more than a year, I realized that I do not know shit about you. I remember I thought you were a bit weird? We watched stupid youtube videos and ran out things to talk. It was an awkward meeting. It was not a date or whatsoever. It was just like meeting a random stranger and praying that I did not do anything remotely stupid. I remember that you cannot go back to your kos, and I thought to myself, what a neat trick. I told you to sleep on my carpet. In the middle of the night, I woke up and saw you shivering in your sleep so I gave you my other blanket. In the morning you woke up, thanked me for the blanket, and just left. I did not chat you afterwards and neither did you. It hurted my pride when you did not, because I did not do anything stupid that night so the sole reason you ghosted me must be because I was not as pretty as you remembered me to be. It hurted when you walked away without any explanation, but it cemented my analysis of you: you are just another fuckboy; a strange, quiet fuckboy that did not smile much and albeit me labeling you as a fuckboy you never made a move on me.

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It was months after the ghosting incident when we somehow meet again. Yeah, yeah, the universe sure do like to mock me. I forget who said hi first. But we only said hi- and that's it. And I was embarrassed to think that the chance encounter will lead somewhere else. It did not. I felt like an idiot again.

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That chance encounter honestly scratch my pride. While men did not line up for me, I always thought that I can charm my way to someone if I wanted to. I know I am far from the prettiest, but I know I am interesting and funny. There were people who chatted me up but I did not really found them interesting: all of them are from my faculty and I never want anything else to do with boys from the same faculty after what happened last time. You were like a slightly opened door, almost closed but not quite. Anyway, I decided to chat you once and for all and if it doesn't work out at least I know that the door is really closed.

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The chatting went far better than I thought, and we finally met again. Same place, slightly different setting. You were still a bit weird, a bit stiff. Earlier that night I wondered how the night will unfold. I braced myself for another ghosting and told you goodbye (in my mind!) for-ever. But then we laughed. Our second meeting was much more less awkward. I finally found you quite funny. You must think me as not bad either because the morning after that you said hi to me in the chat. It came as a shock that you chatted me again - because I was already preparing myself that this, whatever it is, has come to an end.

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Our second meeting turned into a third, a fourth.... I lost count. As we keep meeting, I got really confused as what is this really is. I tried to not care but I could not. I keep thinking this might lead somewhere else but I kept shutting these thoughts down because I enjoyed these moments too much to think. I did not care about label - after all, these meetings are only short meetings between two no-longer stranger not-yet friends. I just wish these meetings could go on forever.

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Our first kiss was weird. Not a bad weird, but just weird considering the circumstances. Memorable. Late at night, pretending to be asleep. I remembered you pulled me closer. I didn't refuse. I remember you hesitated for seconds. I could feel your breathing because we were just inch from each other. One.. two..three.. seconds went by, and I can sense your warm body next to mine stiffened like you were afraid to move and for a second I thought you pulled away. But then you leaned in. 

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The aftermath was confusing. Are you a fuckboy or are you not? A fuckboy would not hesitate and will kiss me senseless. But there you were, stumbling around, awkward gestures, and I swore there were feelings in that kiss. As I kissed you back, I realized there were feelings in mine. Who cared if you are truly a fuckboy? Who cared if you did this with a lot of other girls? I did. I did not want to but I did. But I did not want to lose whatever it was that we have so I kept my mouth shut.

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Of course, I was not able to keep my mouth shut for a long time. I wanted to give my reasoning, my explanation. We went on without talking about that but I could not forget about that kiss. So one random afternoon I blurted out that I want to talk. We never gave proper label on what our relationship was; all I know we could be just friends who happened to kiss on one fateful night. But at least I wanted to make you know that I have never done something that crazy with anyone else. I kinda hope that you would say the same things; but if not, at least I have said my part. Again, I braved myself for a goodbye. But whereas a few weeks ago I was nonchalant about it, that day I was saddened by the fact that I might not be able to talk to you anymore. My worries were soon gone though the moment you said, "I have never done that either." and followed by "I like where we are right now."

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I did like where we were that time. No strings attached. No commitment. Just you, coming to my apartment every other night to talk. Watched any movies available (I didn't care- I only wanted to be with you). I introduced you to french fries dipped in mcflurry ice cream (you did not like that). We called at nights you didn't come by. We talked about nothing all day. Sometimes I hate the fact that nobody knew that we were close, and I worry that you were actively trying to hide whatever relationship we have. I knew my worry has no basis, and yet no assurance were present either. My worry evaporated every time you touched me and came back when you were gone. It slightly cease the first time you called me sayang, but loomed back whenever it occur to me that we were not an item. 

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